The Blah Blog

I had a topic picked out for this blog from a recent Red Cross experience, but it just doesn’t feel right to do at this time. I really don’t want to write about anything right now and I am reconsidering whether this is something I should even be doing with my time.  I just feel really blah right now and these entries all feel trite, pompous and self-righteous . . . ‘everyone pay attention to me!  I’m important and I have important things to say.’

What a load of crap!

I wish I could be the person I desperately try to put forward all of the time, but sometimes I just can’t get that person to make an appearance.  I typically do not leave my house when I get in this kind of funk to spare people from my negative attitude . . . who am I kidding?!  I just like people to think that I always have it all together.

But I don’t . . . and I know that no one does, but that still doesn’t stop me from wanting it.  I probably shouldn’t be posting this either.  But this is supposed to be documenting my thoughts, opinions and the person I was for a moment in time.  Well today I feel like a crappy person with crappy thoughts and I would be misrepresenting myself at this moment in time if I wrote about anything else.

Until next we meet.

Peace in the struggle to find peace

I hesitate to write about this entry for fear it will show you all just how much of a nerd I am when it comes to music . . . but I am kind of excited about it so, whatever.

Yesterday Sarah McLachlan’s Fumbling Toward Ecstasy became only the third album that I have listened to more than 200 times.  That is right; I keep track of how many times I have listened to an album . . .  well at least since February of 2003.  All of the albums I had before 2003 received an educated guess about how many times I have listened to it prior to keeping track.  I feel pretty good about that estimate though and do not believe that any number is overestimated.

If you don't have this album yet . . . Seriously?!

If anything, they are underestimated. I mean, if I have listened to Jack’s Mannequin’s Everything in Transit 106 times since December of 2005 (which I have), then surely it is safe to say I have listened to Fumbling Toward Ecstasy 200 times since the fall of 1997.  That is when I first stumbled (or should I say fumbled – I know it’s bad but I couldn’t resist) upon Sarah McLachlan’s third studio album.  It came out in 1993, so I am a little embarrassed that it took me four years to buy it, but I was a little obsessed with another album that I have listened to over 200 times so, I don’t feel too bad about it.

But I got that album at the beginning of my first year of college and it spoke to that young man searching desperately to find his own voice and figure out the person he was going to be; not the person that everyone expected him to be.  This young man that craved independence all his life, finally had it and he had to figure out what he was going to do with it.

I listen to that album now and it is drenched with memories of my first years of college and that young person just starting out in life. What a wonderful gift music is?!

It is one of the few albums I can listen to all the way through and every song is awesome! The first single is such a powerful song.  I’ve given some thought to doing a top ‘songs mistaken for love songs’ edition and it would be near the top of the list. But it was another song that spoke to the young man searching. It was the main reason this album played on repeat that year; working its way toward 200 as of yesterday. “I believe this is heaven to no one else but me . . .“ And clearly it has made an impact on my life. I have a line from the title track on my quotes on my facebook page and that line is definitely the approach I try to take in my life.

So this post goes out to all of the people starting out on life’s journey, searching for the person they are destined to become.  I envy the possibilities that you still have.  I hope that you find that person, but most importantly, I hope you find the music that inspires you to become that person.

Until next we meet.

Amazing what a year can bring!

It has been a while since I made it on here to do one of these.  Life got a little hectic there for a while.  It can get a little hard to get back into the swing of things once you have taken time off of something.  I had the time to do one of these for the last week or two, but couldn’t get motivated.  It isn’t like I didn’t have enough material to write about – I just had no desire to do it.

. . . so what if it messes up one of my goals for this year.

But now I am back and I have to decide which topic, of the many topics I could write on, do I choose?  I could talk about the Supreme Court’s decision yesterday.  But whose mind am I really going to change? And I fear all it will do is serve to further divide – that is the last thing this country needs. I’ve spent the last month or two entrenched in HOBY, I could write more than a couple blogs on that.  But I fear that I already talk way too much about HOBY to my non-HOBY friends and readers.  I believe I have lost at least 30 pounds since December/January by eating more often, but healthier, and exercising more.  And I feel better than I have in a long time, now that I have healed from all of my injuries.

Maybe I will write a little about all of them since they all kind of tie in together . . . except for the Supreme Court’s decision because, let’s face it, I am just plane tired of both sides bashing each other – aren’t you?

Almost a year ago I took my first trip to Chicago to volunteer, for the first time, at the World Leadership Congress (WLC).  It is the culminating event each year for HOBY, which I have been heavily involved with on and off since 1994, when I was a sophomore in high school and had the honor of participating in the local Arizona seminar.  It was an incredible experience and I am pretty sure I got more out of the WLC than the sophomores did.

But there was at least one issue that made me slightly uncomfortable (to say the least). I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life . . .

Let’s back up a little.  In January of 2011, I had an unfortunate kickball accident (Yes, the same sport we all played in second grade – get your laughs out now) where I broke my knee and sprained my ankle really bad.  Two months later I had another unfortunate accident dancing a jig at a Flogging Molly’s concert (again, get your laughs out now) and broke my hand.

Needless to say, I was a little more sedentary than I am used to and, let’s face it, feeling a little sorry for myself about my situation.  Several months passed and I was still unable to do much on my knee; I was beginning to think that my knee would never fully recover . . . and frustration added to my depression.  Well, all the lack of exercise combined with all of the same bad eating habits I learned when I was a young adult added up to the fattest me I have ever been. 

My shorts and pants, which I purposely buy a little loose around the waist, barely fit anymore.  I had to put away many of the smaller large shirts I had because I didn’t like the way they fit on me anymore and replace them with some XL shirts.  This did not make me feel better about my situation.

Now back to WLC, each volunteer and ambassador received three shirts to be worn throughout the eight days (don’t worry they were washed before they had to be worn again).  My application still had me down for a large shirt from previous years and I had not thought to change it (the LSC of the AZ seminar went by what we told her rather than the application so I got an XL there).

Two of the three shirts ran on the small side of large and I did not like wearing them at all!  Each morning, when I put those two shirts on, I would pull on them and stretch them out as best I could (without ripping them) in an effort to keep them from being form fitting and exposing my lack of form . . . it led to more than a few uncomfortable moments.

Fast-forward to a few days after WLC and my facebook account was blowing up with activity from excited and inspired sophomores ready to take on the world and already talking about how much they miss everyone . . . and that is when I saw it. Amidst all the likes, and comments, and tags – I was tagged in a photo with one of the ambassadors from my group.  Tagged for all of the facebook world to see was me . . . and my man-boob.  I was horrified!  I desperately wanted to untag myself.  But she was very happy about the photo and her experience and I didn’t want to send a message that I did not want people to see me with her by untagging myself after she had tagged me.

It is really hard to even post this here.

Alright, let’s make use of the sandalmarks time machine again and head back to 6^th grade.  I was visiting my friends and my uncle at a school I used to go to during my current school’s spring break (yes, I spent my spring break at another school – commence the nerd comments).  I was talking with an old friend of mine and a couple other guys. We were discussing a girl or a female teacher (funny, how now I can’t remember which) and the topic of her small breast size came up.  My friend told me that I should run over there, flash her, and ask if she was jealous . . . everyone laughed at the idea.  And I did too. But inside I became insecure about my chest.

Now I had been insecure about my weight before this, but I cannot think of an earlier time when I was insecure about my chest.  It has since probably become my biggest insecurity (definitely about my body).  It is funny how one small off-handed comment can be so detrimental to a person’s psyche. I am almost positive that he didn’t even mean to insinuate that I had man-boobs.

I bring this up so that you all can get an idea of just how mortified I was to see that photo on the internet with me tagged in it. But I am glad it happened.  That was my catalyst.

Since then I have started to eat healthier and exercise and I have lost around 30 pounds.  In fact, I am less than 5 pounds shy of when I was running marathons 4 years ago, which coincidentally is my high school weight. I feel better than I have in a long time!  And I owe a lot of that to the photo of me on facebook.

I feel a lot better now!

 I am still tagged in that photo. I won’t untag it either. 

On more than one occasion, people have said that I am brave for my willingness to air personal details of my life on such a public forum. I have a feeling people might say so again after reading this entry.  Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge part of me that is telling me to scrap this entire entry right now while there is still time (maybe that is the real reason it has taken me three weeks to sit down and write this entry).  

‘You are just giving people ammunition to hurt you!  What are you thinking?! Protect yourself.’

And yes, there is a chance that some people will see this and use it to hurt me in an effort to bring me down.  But I refuse to dwell on the negatives in people.  I will always believe that we have the capacity to be better.

I mean, shame on me for taking part in a conversation that poked fun of a woman or young lady about the size of her breasts in a moment of weakness; struggling with my own insecurities.  I am better than that. I refuse to let my insecurities keep me from becoming the great person I was created to become anymore.  Instead, I will put them out there, in black and white, for the whole world to see. 

Who knows, maybe I will help just one person struggling with their insecurities move past them toward the person they are meant to become too!  That possibility alone is worth facing all the negative possibilities that the world can throw at me.

Until next we meet.

Thank you for Being a Friend

I think a lot about death.  I don’t really have a baseline to compare it to so I am not really sure if I think about it more or less than the next guy, but I do think about it none the less.  

'Not while I am reading, Barbara.'

Now I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression, it is not like I am secretly one of those Goth people that go around glorifying death and writing crazy poems welcoming it, but I do not ignore the reality of it either.  Let’s put aside any religious views we have about what happens to us after we die.  The fact of the matter is there is no undeniable evidence (and I don’t believe there ever will be – but that is the discussion for another day) that indicates what happens after we die.  Any theory we have about that is just that – a theory.  It is faith, not that there is anything wrong with faith, and nothing more.

'I told you my name is Drakkar Noir!  Jimmy is dead!'

But the only thing we truly know is that there will come a day when we no longer exist in the only level of existence that we have physically experienced . . . sometimes that realization hits me like a ton of bricks.  At times it is almost debilitating.

One day I am going to die.  One day everyone I know will die.  It is inevitable.  I don’t think it is a bad thing to think about once and awhile.  In fact, I think it has helped me live in the moment more and given me the opportunity to appreciate the people around me more.

When I was in fourth grade a few kids from another class were playing on a ouija board during lunch. That game was not supposed to be on campus so I reported it to a teacher and the game was taken away from them.  Needless to say they were not happy with me and told me they were going to summon an evil spirit to kill me.  I was terrified that someone along the likes of Bloody Mary was going to get me after that and spent the rest of the year worried I would not live to see fifth grade.

'Does Bobby like me?  Check yes or no.'

When I was younger I felt a connection (and sometimes I still do) with an uncle that had died before I was born.  I ended up inheriting his coin collection and his bible and I started to believe that other people thought so too.  He was killed by a drunk driver while he was in college.  For the longest time I was sure that I would not live to graduate college either.

The first couple of times I had that thought that I was going to die I really couldn’t get past it, but then as those thoughts started to come more frequently I started imagining the impact it would have on the people around me. 

‘What would my funeral be like?  Should I be cremated or embalmed?  I should make a playlist for my funeral.  It should only have happy songs that remind everyone of the better times with me.  Scratch that, the moment of silence will play Song for Rich, by MichaelW Smith, then nothing but happy songs.  It should probably have an open bar.

I need to make sure everyone knows how much having them in my life meant to me. I should make a video where I thank each person individually for the unique trait they exhibited in their life that I used as an example to emulate in the effort to be a better version of me.  But what if they die before I die?  Then I will just have to speak at their funeral and say what I said on that video.’

Then a year went by, and another, and another and a funny thing happened . . . I didn’t die.  I survived Y2K and other apocalypses completely intact. I started to see a flaw in my thought process – it took me or the other person dying before I would let them know how grateful I was to have had the time we had shared.  I can take it on faith that this person will hear my words and know what they meant to me, but wouldn’t it be better to tell them these things while we both exist in a life that requires no faith.

Guess I shouldn't have partied like it was 1999

So that is what I decided to do.  Last Christmas I started writing letters to the people in my life, expressing my thanks for the good things they have brought to my life and the role they have had in making me a better person. 

The problem was the level of effort I want for each letter and the sheer volume of people that I wish to write such a letter to is quite daunting and I was mentally exhausted after just a handful of them.  However I will continue to do a handful of letters at a time and have decided that I will just have to go on living to a ripe old age in order to accomplish this task in full.

But no one knows what tomorrow will bring and my fear is that I will not be able to write all the letters that I wish to write by the time it is all said and done.  So this blog is my safety net.  If you are reading this and have not received such a letter from me, please know that it is coming.  And if time is not as kind to me as I would hope, please know this today:  I am grateful for every single person that has come into my life.  In one way or another, you all have exhibited a quality or trait that makes you a beautiful person and the people around you are better off because of that quality or trait.  I am better off because of that quality or trait.  I hope each and everyone reading this realizes that.  Thank you.

Until next we meet.

Top 10 Albums I will not get until I pay off my credit cards (or win the lottery)

Twelve years ago, almost to the day, I graduated college and entered the ‘real’ world.  There are a lot of things I miss about my days in college.  I miss the ability for my body to thrive on the most inexpensive food, lacking any nutritional value.  I miss the days I could do consecutive ‘all nighters’ and not see a drop in my physical and mental performance.  I miss the beautifully cool and clean views of Northern Arizona.  I miss the rate at which I could drink alcohol and the perceived lack of consequences from said drinking.  I miss being minutes away from my grandparents.  I miss seeing the San Francisco Peaks every day.  I miss the friends that I don’t see as much or at all.

But the thing I have been missing the most lately is the rate at which I was able to acquire new music.

The funny thing about being a college student is you always perceive yourself as being poor.  This may be true, but you also don’t have any significant bills so the money that you do have, because you decided to live off of ramen and mac and cheese, can be used for more important ventures – like buying music.

I have over 30 albums from 1998 (the heart of my college career); by far more than any other year.  You would have to add up the last six years of albums in my collection before you got a bigger number than 1998; I currently have five albums from 2011 and one from 2012.

And I just reached the realization that I should not (and will not) purchase another album for the foreseeable future.  My credit card debt has been hanging over me for many years now and I am tired of giving away part of my paycheck every month to interest payments.  If I am the responsible adult that I purport myself to be than there are many reasons why I must remedy this situation as soon as possible.  Each album I purchase is $15 taken away from that goal.

But damn it all if I am not tempted every frickin’ day . . .

So along that line of though, I present to you the Top 10 Albums I will not get until I pay off my credit cards (or win the lottery):

10.   The Idler Wheel. . . – Fiona Apple:  Once again Fiona Apple has decided to use a paragraph to title an album (due out later this year).  That does not bother me as much as it bothered some people when When the Pawn . . . came out, but I don’t really get the benefits of it either.  So far I only have one song to judge the album on and the couple times I have heard ‘Every Single Night’ have not impressed me too much.  However, every album after Tidal has taken me a long time to digest to the point I can appreciate it and now Extraordinary Machine is enjoying a steady rotation on my playlist.  

9.  Bangarang – Skrillex:  Every criterion I typically use to define music that I tend not to appreciate would suggest that the title track to this EP would be on the top of this list.  I have no idea why I like this song, but it makes me happy.  I made a bet with a group I work with where I said they could choose to do something to my hair if they won . . . his haircut was mentioned.  Needless to say, I was happy when they did not win that bet.

8.  Under Water Sunshine – Counting Crows:  I made the decision that I would not purchase a new album until I paid off my credit cards before I became aware that Counting Crows put out a new album a few weeks ago.  Anyone who knows me understands the dilemma this presents.  The only thing that saves me (and the reason this is not number one on my list) is that it is a cover album.  Counting Crows recently left their record company to become an independent band and decided their first album as an independent band should be covers. This guy has my same issues cover songs on albums.  But it is Counting Crows and I have heard live versions of many of the songs on the album that I like, so it is a no brainer that eventually I will have this album.

7.  Barton Hollow – The Civil Wars:  This duo’s songs are so simplistic yet sung with such authority and passion . . . I have no idea why I have not gotten this album sooner.  They do a cover of one of my favorite bands that I thought for sure I would hate when I first heard of it.  But they do such a good job of making it their own; they certainly won me over at that point.

6.  Making Mirrors – Gotye:  My first exposure to ‘Someone That I Used to Know’ came from the Walk Off the Earth cover on youtube where they use one guitar (he explains in case you are not one of the 100,000,000 people have watched it).  I was very impressed.  In fact, I was a little less impressed with the original once I finally heard it . . . then I saw the video for it and was a little creeped out.  I like the concept of the video, but his facial expression is just slightly disturbing – it’s like a car wreck; you don’t want to look at it, but you can’t turn away.

5.  The Great Escape Artist – Jane’s Addiction:  I liked Jane’s Addiction as much as the next guy back in the day.  I just never thought enough of them to purchase an album; what I heard on the radio was enough for me.  But the songs I have heard so far from their new album are incredible.  There is so much more crunch and even more complexity to the songs, I am really looking forward to hearing the ones that don’t get played on the radio.

4.  Megalithic Symphony – AWOLNATION:  The two songs that get played on the radio are so different I didn’t think they were the same artist when I heard them.  But they are both fun songs that are extremely catchy.  I think more things should be blamed on my ADD.

3.  Hats off to the Bull – Chevelle:  After their first album, Chevelle has always flown just under the radar in my opinion.  I really liked their first album and I have definitely gotten my money’s worth for it.  But the songs I heard from the next albums never inspired me to purchase their subsequent albums; they were good, but once again their radio play was sufficient for me.  But ‘Hats off to theBull’ and ‘Face to the Floor’ are definitely cut from the same cloth as ‘Closure’ and ‘Send the Pain Below’.

2.  Some Nights – fun.:  I was a fan of The Format and was more than a little disappointed when I heard that they broke up.  So when I heard that the lead singer was wasting no time to form a new band, I was cautiously hopeful. I heard the occasional rumblings regarding the band, but I am sorry to say their debut album was not one of the five albums I purchased in 2009.  But then 2012 came along and unless you have been living under a rock (which I haven’t), you cannot miss fun. and ‘We AreYoung’.

No Name No Color – Middle Class Rut:  I tried to limit my selections to 2011 and 2012 albums but this album was somehow overlooked in the past and there is really no good excuse for that.  I really like this band.  I have no idea how I managed to not purchase it prior to this year, but I did.  I have yet to hear a song of theirs that I do not like.  I’m really going to miss not having this album for the next year or two (hopefully not three).

Until next we meet.

I need to find a bigger plate

Clearly when I envisioned this goal for 2012 I did not take into account how busy I get this time of year. The seminar season is ramping up for HOBY and work is coincidentally picking up at the same time.  Add that to my new-found desire to be a healthier version of me (bootcamp, riding my bike to work, and eating smaller meals more often that don’t come from a can or a freezer package) and I am finding myself with little spare time.  I am having issues motivating myself to use the few spare moments I do have in my week to write this blog.

Hence, I have missed two weeks in a row.

The problem is that other things come up during the week with friends and family that I do not want to miss out on as well.  Someone was once quoted as saying ‘life is what happens when you are busy making other plans’ (and perhaps others have said it before him, but that is neither here, nor there).  I don’t want to miss out on events that happens to come my way because of the goals I have made for myself this year (or any other year for that matter).

That is my biggest problem; not knowing when to say when.  I want to do too much.  I feel I have to do too much.

But I refuse to miss out on creating new memories with my friends and family because I have once again put too much on my plate.  So I may just have to miss a few more of these as the year goes on . . . and I am okay with that.

Until next we meet.

Friday is good and Easter is better . . . but what about Saturday?

I don’t normally talk about my religious beliefs . . . the reasons behind this and whether or not it is the way I should run this race of life is the topic for another discussion.  But I am going to talk about them today so be forewarned all who are easily offended by Christian doctrine.

. . .

Alright, if you are still reading this you are likely either Christian or open to an insight of my personal beliefs.  In either case, if you do not have the self-titled debut album by Jars of Clay, you should get it as soon as possible.  The ten songs on that album are easily some of the best songs written and the lyrics tell the intricate story of the ups and downs in life.  If you are not a Christian, the songs are masterfully put together and easily enjoyed for their artistry alone.  If you are a Christian, the lyrics in each song can cut deep into your emotions and evoke a deep reverence for God and the life that He has given you.

One of the songs on this album played on my iPod earlier this morning as I was getting ready to start my day.  It is my favorite song on that album.  My iPod was on random, but I believe there was nothing random about that song playing at that moment out of over 1,500 songs currently on my iPod.

Today marks the anniversary of the day after Jesus died on a cross and the day before He rose from the dead.  I have thought a lot about Good Friday and I have thought even more about Easter . . . but I have never really given a whole lot of reflection to the Saturday between the two days.

As I started to reflect on the lyrics of the song (which is also the subject of another discussion altogether), I began to think about that first Saturday after the death of Jesus. I started to imagine what it must have been like for the first followers of Christ to live through that day. Jesus was the Messiah.  He was supposed to restore Israel and usher in an age of peace.  And now he is dead?  Talk about a crisis of faith.

I can’t begin to comprehend what that limbo must have been like before their faith was restored through the resurrection. Many a time I have wished that I had lived during this time instead so that I could witness, first hand, everything I believe. That way I would know for sure what is true and what is not, so I would not have to constantly struggle with doubts and struggle with faith.  But the doubts and struggles that the first followers of Christ must have been feeling that Saturday must have been debilitating.  Perhaps it is better to view all of this through the rear view mirror?  All I know is that I gained a new found respect for all of the followers of Jesus that had to live through that Saturday.

Until next we meet.