Thank you for Being a Friend

I think a lot about death.  I don’t really have a baseline to compare it to so I am not really sure if I think about it more or less than the next guy, but I do think about it none the less.  

'Not while I am reading, Barbara.'

Now I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression, it is not like I am secretly one of those Goth people that go around glorifying death and writing crazy poems welcoming it, but I do not ignore the reality of it either.  Let’s put aside any religious views we have about what happens to us after we die.  The fact of the matter is there is no undeniable evidence (and I don’t believe there ever will be – but that is the discussion for another day) that indicates what happens after we die.  Any theory we have about that is just that – a theory.  It is faith, not that there is anything wrong with faith, and nothing more.

'I told you my name is Drakkar Noir!  Jimmy is dead!'

But the only thing we truly know is that there will come a day when we no longer exist in the only level of existence that we have physically experienced . . . sometimes that realization hits me like a ton of bricks.  At times it is almost debilitating.

One day I am going to die.  One day everyone I know will die.  It is inevitable.  I don’t think it is a bad thing to think about once and awhile.  In fact, I think it has helped me live in the moment more and given me the opportunity to appreciate the people around me more.

When I was in fourth grade a few kids from another class were playing on a ouija board during lunch. That game was not supposed to be on campus so I reported it to a teacher and the game was taken away from them.  Needless to say they were not happy with me and told me they were going to summon an evil spirit to kill me.  I was terrified that someone along the likes of Bloody Mary was going to get me after that and spent the rest of the year worried I would not live to see fifth grade.

'Does Bobby like me?  Check yes or no.'

When I was younger I felt a connection (and sometimes I still do) with an uncle that had died before I was born.  I ended up inheriting his coin collection and his bible and I started to believe that other people thought so too.  He was killed by a drunk driver while he was in college.  For the longest time I was sure that I would not live to graduate college either.

The first couple of times I had that thought that I was going to die I really couldn’t get past it, but then as those thoughts started to come more frequently I started imagining the impact it would have on the people around me. 

‘What would my funeral be like?  Should I be cremated or embalmed?  I should make a playlist for my funeral.  It should only have happy songs that remind everyone of the better times with me.  Scratch that, the moment of silence will play Song for Rich, by MichaelW Smith, then nothing but happy songs.  It should probably have an open bar.

I need to make sure everyone knows how much having them in my life meant to me. I should make a video where I thank each person individually for the unique trait they exhibited in their life that I used as an example to emulate in the effort to be a better version of me.  But what if they die before I die?  Then I will just have to speak at their funeral and say what I said on that video.’

Then a year went by, and another, and another and a funny thing happened . . . I didn’t die.  I survived Y2K and other apocalypses completely intact. I started to see a flaw in my thought process – it took me or the other person dying before I would let them know how grateful I was to have had the time we had shared.  I can take it on faith that this person will hear my words and know what they meant to me, but wouldn’t it be better to tell them these things while we both exist in a life that requires no faith.

Guess I shouldn't have partied like it was 1999

So that is what I decided to do.  Last Christmas I started writing letters to the people in my life, expressing my thanks for the good things they have brought to my life and the role they have had in making me a better person. 

The problem was the level of effort I want for each letter and the sheer volume of people that I wish to write such a letter to is quite daunting and I was mentally exhausted after just a handful of them.  However I will continue to do a handful of letters at a time and have decided that I will just have to go on living to a ripe old age in order to accomplish this task in full.

But no one knows what tomorrow will bring and my fear is that I will not be able to write all the letters that I wish to write by the time it is all said and done.  So this blog is my safety net.  If you are reading this and have not received such a letter from me, please know that it is coming.  And if time is not as kind to me as I would hope, please know this today:  I am grateful for every single person that has come into my life.  In one way or another, you all have exhibited a quality or trait that makes you a beautiful person and the people around you are better off because of that quality or trait.  I am better off because of that quality or trait.  I hope each and everyone reading this realizes that.  Thank you.

Until next we meet.