Hard to say goodbye

Yesterday I turned in all my materials to the Red Cross to take an extended leave of absence (likely permanent).  That was pretty hard . . .

Seven years ago I got it into my head that I was living a pretty self-centered life and first looked into joining a local DAT team for the Red Cross.  It has been an enriching experience that I will not soon forget and I appreciate all of the amazing people I was fortunate enough to meet there.  The Red Cross reminded me of the deep passion I had in myself in service to others.

I have learned a lot from the life and example of a great man that said it best in a quote I first heard almost 20 years ago.  ‘I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.’

'Choose your teachers well because that is your responsibility' -Andy Hersey.  Photo by Yousuf Karsh

  

I am grateful for the happiness that I have gained through my service in the Red Cross.  But lately I have felt overwhelmed and I feel like I might be losing myself in my service.  For someone who truly believes in the need for balance I sure do swing from one extreme to the other like a pendulum . . .

It was a lot more fun as a kid!

The need to regain balance in my life has bubbled to the surface and I feel the quality of my activities slipping. I wish I could have 10 more of me so that I can do everything that I want to accomplish.  The opposite reality, that I have limitations, is often hard to accept.  This has been a decision over a year in the making.

So now I must take a hard look at the direction my life is going, combined with a realistic look at my personal limitations, and close a meaningful chapter of my life.  That sucks.

Until next we meet.

It's All About Perspective

I haven’t had a great attitude lately.  I have felt a little frazzled lately and that has led to a selfish and bad attitude.  This attitude has manifested the most with my Red Cross activities.  For those that do not know, I volunteer for a Red Cross Disaster Action Team (DAT) that goes on call once a month for a week.  In that week we let our manager know what days and hours we would be available to go out on a call. Then, God forbid, if something should happen to a person’s home during the times that we've made known to our supervisor, we would be asked to go assess the damages and make sure that this person’s or family’s immediate needs were being met so that they could process the loss and focus on a recovery plan.

I have found myself giving fewer hours than I have available during my week and choosing hours that are less likely for an incident to happen.  Then I would hope that I would not get called, not because I did not want anyone to lose their home but because it was an inconvenience to me.  The last week I was about as bad as it has gotten; to the point where I actually did not answer a call.

Grant it, I was in a hard sleep and did not get to the phone in time.  I looked at the phone number (it was not in my contacts) and said I would not call back and go back to sleep if no message was left.

See, I have been getting calls from people trying to sell me crap and it had gotten to the point that I would screen any number that was not in my contacts (unless I was on call for the Red Cross) or showed up unavailable.  If they did not leave a message then I would not worry about it.

So I rationalized that if this caller did not leave a message, then it had to be a solicitor and I was free to go back to sleep . . . but I knew it was the Red Cross in my gut.  No message came and I went back to bed.

When I woke up in the morning, I looked at my phone and I had a message.  Crap!  I listened to the message and sure enough, it was my Red Cross manager.  I rationalized to myself that the call happened 45 minutes from when my available time was up and supervisors aren’t supposed to call with less than an hour left in your available time because no call lasts less than an hour and it would therefore go past the time that you said you could be available.  But that isn’t an actual rule; just a courtesy that some managers give when they have the option.

I sent her a message explaining why I had not answered nor responded to her message.  It was all true, but it was also just a rationalization to make me feel better about what I had done.  She called me a little later and said that it had worked out and they had found someone to go out (a manager that wasn’t even on call that week), but she wanted to verify that I would still be available for the remainder of the hours that I had given.

I said that I would still be available – I wanted to appear selfless even though in my heart all I was thinking about was how inconvenient it would be to have to go out on a call.  But they had already had a call surely the chances of another incident happening were diminished.  I was playing the odds that I wouldn’t have to go out and still look like a good and thoughtful person.

The odds failed me.

That evening the phone rang and I knew it was the Red Cross. Crap!  ‘You have to answer now, Eric. You said you were available.’  So I did and it was the Red Cross.  A storm had blown the roof off of a family’s house and the following rain poured into the house. ‘Man, I really don’t want to go out,’ I mumbled to myself. ‘I have to get up early to work in the field tomorrow and there is no way I will get a full night's sleep now.’

A family had no place to sleep and many of their possessions had been ruined and all I could think about was that I wouldn’t be getting a full night’s sleep.  I knew it was selfish, but I didn’t care.

I got into the car and the song that was playing on the radio hit me like a brick wall.

God doesn’t speak to me very much . . . at least not as clear as the message he was sending me in this song. I was seeing with the wrong eyes.  I was feeling with the wrong heart. Just like that, I had a better perspective and it wasn’t so bad that I had to go out and take this call.  In fact it was a blessing that I was able to show compassion to this family and help them through one of the hardest times they will ever have to experience.

It turned out that another house in the neighborhood lost its roof in the storm too and I agreed to take that call too without hesitation or even a thought of getting even less sleep.  Once again, it was more important to comfort a family that had just witnessed the roof over their head literally blow into their neighbor’s yard.

And just in case God hadn’t hammered the point home enough already, five hours later, as I was getting ready to pull into my house, that song came on again.  I stayed in the car to let the song finish and reflect on the days events – thankful for the experience and thankful that I still had a roof over my head to get my less than a full night’s sleep.

Until next we meet.