It has been a while since I made it on here to do one of
these. Life got a little hectic there
for a while. It can get a little hard to
get back into the swing of things once you have taken time off of
something. I had the time to do one of
these for the last week or two, but couldn’t get motivated. It isn’t like I didn’t have enough material
to write about – I just had no desire to do it.
. . . so what if it messes up one of my goals for this year.
But now I am back and I have to decide which topic, of the
many topics I could write on, do I choose?
I could talk about the Supreme Court’s decision yesterday. But whose mind am I really going to change? And
I fear all it will do is serve to further divide – that is the last thing this
country needs. I’ve spent the last month or two entrenched in HOBY, I could
write more than a couple blogs on that.
But I fear that I already talk way too much about HOBY to my non-HOBY
friends and readers. I believe I have
lost at least 30 pounds since December/January by eating more often, but
healthier, and exercising more. And I
feel better than I have in a long time, now that I have healed from all of my
injuries.
Maybe I will write a little about all of them since they all
kind of tie in together . . . except for the Supreme Court’s decision because,
let’s face it, I am just plane tired of both sides bashing each other – aren’t
you?
Almost a year ago I took my first trip to Chicago to volunteer, for the first time, at
the World Leadership Congress (WLC). It
is the culminating event each year for HOBY, which I have been heavily involved
with on and off since 1994, when I was a sophomore in high school and had the
honor of participating in the local Arizona seminar. It was an incredible experience
and I am pretty sure I got more out of the WLC than the sophomores did.
But there was at least one issue that made me slightly
uncomfortable (to say the least). I was the heaviest I have ever been in my
life . . .
Let’s back up a little.
In January of 2011, I had an unfortunate kickball accident (Yes, the
same sport we all played in second grade – get your laughs out now) where I
broke my knee and sprained my ankle really bad.
Two months later I had another unfortunate accident dancing a jig at a
Flogging Molly’s concert (again, get your laughs out now) and broke my hand.
Needless to say, I was a little more sedentary than I am
used to and, let’s face it, feeling a little sorry for myself about my
situation. Several months passed and I
was still unable to do much on my knee; I was beginning to think that my knee
would never fully recover . . . and frustration added to my
depression. Well, all the lack of exercise
combined with all of the same bad eating habits I learned when I was a young
adult added up to the fattest me I have ever been.
My shorts and pants, which I purposely buy a little loose
around the waist, barely fit anymore. I
had to put away many of the smaller large shirts I had because I didn’t like
the way they fit on me anymore and replace them with some XL shirts. This did not make me feel better about my
situation.
Now back to WLC, each volunteer and ambassador received three
shirts to be worn throughout the eight days (don’t worry they were washed
before they had to be worn again). My
application still had me down for a large shirt from previous years and I had
not thought to change it (the LSC of the AZ seminar went by what we told her
rather than the application so I got an XL there).
Two of the three shirts ran on the small side of large and I
did not like wearing them at all! Each
morning, when I put those two shirts on, I would pull on them and stretch them
out as best I could (without ripping them) in an effort to keep them from being
form fitting and exposing my lack of form . . . it led to more than a few
uncomfortable moments.
Fast-forward to a few days after WLC and my facebook account
was blowing up with activity from excited and inspired sophomores ready to take
on the world and already talking about how much they miss everyone . . . and
that is when I saw it. Amidst all the likes, and comments, and tags – I was
tagged in a photo with one of the ambassadors from my group. Tagged for all of the facebook world to see
was me . . . and my man-boob. I was
horrified! I desperately wanted to untag
myself. But she was very happy about the
photo and her experience and I didn’t want to send a message that I did not
want people to see me with her by untagging myself after she had tagged me.
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| It is really hard to even post this here. |
Alright, let’s make use of the sandalmarks time machine
again and head back to 6th grade.
I was visiting my friends and my uncle at a school I used to go to
during my current school’s spring break (yes, I spent my spring break at
another school – commence the nerd comments).
I was talking with an old friend of mine and a couple other guys. We
were discussing a girl or a female teacher (funny, how now I can’t remember
which) and the topic of her small breast size came up. My friend told me that I should run over
there, flash her, and ask if she was jealous . . . everyone laughed at the idea. And I did too. But inside I became insecure
about my chest.
Now I had been insecure about my weight before this, but I
cannot think of an earlier time when I was insecure about my chest. It has since probably become my biggest
insecurity (definitely about my body).
It is funny how one small off-handed comment can be so detrimental to a person’s
psyche. I am almost positive that he didn’t even mean to insinuate that I had
man-boobs.
I bring this up so that you all can get an idea of just how
mortified I was to see that photo on the internet with me tagged in it. But I
am glad it happened. That was my
catalyst.
Since then I have started to eat healthier and exercise and
I have lost around 30 pounds. In fact, I
am less than 5 pounds shy of when I was running marathons 4 years ago, which
coincidentally is my high school weight. I feel better than I have in a long
time! And I owe a lot of that to the
photo of me on facebook.
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| I feel a lot better now! |
I am still tagged in that photo. I won’t untag it either.
On more than one occasion, people have said that I am brave
for my willingness to air personal details of my life on such a public forum. I
have a feeling people might say so again after reading this entry. Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge part of
me that is telling me to scrap this entire entry right now while there is still
time (maybe that is the real reason it has taken me three weeks to sit down and
write this entry).
‘You are just giving people ammunition to hurt you! What are you thinking?! Protect yourself.’
And yes, there is a chance that some people will see this
and use it to hurt me in an effort to bring me down. But I refuse to dwell on the negatives in
people. I will always believe that we have the capacity to be better.
I mean, shame on me for taking part in a conversation that
poked fun of a woman or young lady about the size of her breasts in a moment of
weakness; struggling with my own insecurities.
I am better than that. I refuse to let my insecurities keep me from
becoming the great person I was created to become anymore. Instead, I will put them out there, in black
and white, for the whole world to see.
Who knows, maybe I will help just one person struggling with
their insecurities move past them toward the person they are meant to become
too! That possibility alone is worth
facing all the negative possibilities that the world can throw at me.
Until next we meet.
