Thank you for Being a Friend

I think a lot about death.  I don’t really have a baseline to compare it to so I am not really sure if I think about it more or less than the next guy, but I do think about it none the less.  

'Not while I am reading, Barbara.'

Now I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression, it is not like I am secretly one of those Goth people that go around glorifying death and writing crazy poems welcoming it, but I do not ignore the reality of it either.  Let’s put aside any religious views we have about what happens to us after we die.  The fact of the matter is there is no undeniable evidence (and I don’t believe there ever will be – but that is the discussion for another day) that indicates what happens after we die.  Any theory we have about that is just that – a theory.  It is faith, not that there is anything wrong with faith, and nothing more.

'I told you my name is Drakkar Noir!  Jimmy is dead!'

But the only thing we truly know is that there will come a day when we no longer exist in the only level of existence that we have physically experienced . . . sometimes that realization hits me like a ton of bricks.  At times it is almost debilitating.

One day I am going to die.  One day everyone I know will die.  It is inevitable.  I don’t think it is a bad thing to think about once and awhile.  In fact, I think it has helped me live in the moment more and given me the opportunity to appreciate the people around me more.

When I was in fourth grade a few kids from another class were playing on a ouija board during lunch. That game was not supposed to be on campus so I reported it to a teacher and the game was taken away from them.  Needless to say they were not happy with me and told me they were going to summon an evil spirit to kill me.  I was terrified that someone along the likes of Bloody Mary was going to get me after that and spent the rest of the year worried I would not live to see fifth grade.

'Does Bobby like me?  Check yes or no.'

When I was younger I felt a connection (and sometimes I still do) with an uncle that had died before I was born.  I ended up inheriting his coin collection and his bible and I started to believe that other people thought so too.  He was killed by a drunk driver while he was in college.  For the longest time I was sure that I would not live to graduate college either.

The first couple of times I had that thought that I was going to die I really couldn’t get past it, but then as those thoughts started to come more frequently I started imagining the impact it would have on the people around me. 

‘What would my funeral be like?  Should I be cremated or embalmed?  I should make a playlist for my funeral.  It should only have happy songs that remind everyone of the better times with me.  Scratch that, the moment of silence will play Song for Rich, by MichaelW Smith, then nothing but happy songs.  It should probably have an open bar.

I need to make sure everyone knows how much having them in my life meant to me. I should make a video where I thank each person individually for the unique trait they exhibited in their life that I used as an example to emulate in the effort to be a better version of me.  But what if they die before I die?  Then I will just have to speak at their funeral and say what I said on that video.’

Then a year went by, and another, and another and a funny thing happened . . . I didn’t die.  I survived Y2K and other apocalypses completely intact. I started to see a flaw in my thought process – it took me or the other person dying before I would let them know how grateful I was to have had the time we had shared.  I can take it on faith that this person will hear my words and know what they meant to me, but wouldn’t it be better to tell them these things while we both exist in a life that requires no faith.

Guess I shouldn't have partied like it was 1999

So that is what I decided to do.  Last Christmas I started writing letters to the people in my life, expressing my thanks for the good things they have brought to my life and the role they have had in making me a better person. 

The problem was the level of effort I want for each letter and the sheer volume of people that I wish to write such a letter to is quite daunting and I was mentally exhausted after just a handful of them.  However I will continue to do a handful of letters at a time and have decided that I will just have to go on living to a ripe old age in order to accomplish this task in full.

But no one knows what tomorrow will bring and my fear is that I will not be able to write all the letters that I wish to write by the time it is all said and done.  So this blog is my safety net.  If you are reading this and have not received such a letter from me, please know that it is coming.  And if time is not as kind to me as I would hope, please know this today:  I am grateful for every single person that has come into my life.  In one way or another, you all have exhibited a quality or trait that makes you a beautiful person and the people around you are better off because of that quality or trait.  I am better off because of that quality or trait.  I hope each and everyone reading this realizes that.  Thank you.

Until next we meet.

Top 10 Albums I will not get until I pay off my credit cards (or win the lottery)

Twelve years ago, almost to the day, I graduated college and entered the ‘real’ world.  There are a lot of things I miss about my days in college.  I miss the ability for my body to thrive on the most inexpensive food, lacking any nutritional value.  I miss the days I could do consecutive ‘all nighters’ and not see a drop in my physical and mental performance.  I miss the beautifully cool and clean views of Northern Arizona.  I miss the rate at which I could drink alcohol and the perceived lack of consequences from said drinking.  I miss being minutes away from my grandparents.  I miss seeing the San Francisco Peaks every day.  I miss the friends that I don’t see as much or at all.

But the thing I have been missing the most lately is the rate at which I was able to acquire new music.

The funny thing about being a college student is you always perceive yourself as being poor.  This may be true, but you also don’t have any significant bills so the money that you do have, because you decided to live off of ramen and mac and cheese, can be used for more important ventures – like buying music.

I have over 30 albums from 1998 (the heart of my college career); by far more than any other year.  You would have to add up the last six years of albums in my collection before you got a bigger number than 1998; I currently have five albums from 2011 and one from 2012.

And I just reached the realization that I should not (and will not) purchase another album for the foreseeable future.  My credit card debt has been hanging over me for many years now and I am tired of giving away part of my paycheck every month to interest payments.  If I am the responsible adult that I purport myself to be than there are many reasons why I must remedy this situation as soon as possible.  Each album I purchase is $15 taken away from that goal.

But damn it all if I am not tempted every frickin’ day . . .

So along that line of though, I present to you the Top 10 Albums I will not get until I pay off my credit cards (or win the lottery):

10.   The Idler Wheel. . . – Fiona Apple:  Once again Fiona Apple has decided to use a paragraph to title an album (due out later this year).  That does not bother me as much as it bothered some people when When the Pawn . . . came out, but I don’t really get the benefits of it either.  So far I only have one song to judge the album on and the couple times I have heard ‘Every Single Night’ have not impressed me too much.  However, every album after Tidal has taken me a long time to digest to the point I can appreciate it and now Extraordinary Machine is enjoying a steady rotation on my playlist.  

9.  Bangarang – Skrillex:  Every criterion I typically use to define music that I tend not to appreciate would suggest that the title track to this EP would be on the top of this list.  I have no idea why I like this song, but it makes me happy.  I made a bet with a group I work with where I said they could choose to do something to my hair if they won . . . his haircut was mentioned.  Needless to say, I was happy when they did not win that bet.

8.  Under Water Sunshine – Counting Crows:  I made the decision that I would not purchase a new album until I paid off my credit cards before I became aware that Counting Crows put out a new album a few weeks ago.  Anyone who knows me understands the dilemma this presents.  The only thing that saves me (and the reason this is not number one on my list) is that it is a cover album.  Counting Crows recently left their record company to become an independent band and decided their first album as an independent band should be covers. This guy has my same issues cover songs on albums.  But it is Counting Crows and I have heard live versions of many of the songs on the album that I like, so it is a no brainer that eventually I will have this album.

7.  Barton Hollow – The Civil Wars:  This duo’s songs are so simplistic yet sung with such authority and passion . . . I have no idea why I have not gotten this album sooner.  They do a cover of one of my favorite bands that I thought for sure I would hate when I first heard of it.  But they do such a good job of making it their own; they certainly won me over at that point.

6.  Making Mirrors – Gotye:  My first exposure to ‘Someone That I Used to Know’ came from the Walk Off the Earth cover on youtube where they use one guitar (he explains in case you are not one of the 100,000,000 people have watched it).  I was very impressed.  In fact, I was a little less impressed with the original once I finally heard it . . . then I saw the video for it and was a little creeped out.  I like the concept of the video, but his facial expression is just slightly disturbing – it’s like a car wreck; you don’t want to look at it, but you can’t turn away.

5.  The Great Escape Artist – Jane’s Addiction:  I liked Jane’s Addiction as much as the next guy back in the day.  I just never thought enough of them to purchase an album; what I heard on the radio was enough for me.  But the songs I have heard so far from their new album are incredible.  There is so much more crunch and even more complexity to the songs, I am really looking forward to hearing the ones that don’t get played on the radio.

4.  Megalithic Symphony – AWOLNATION:  The two songs that get played on the radio are so different I didn’t think they were the same artist when I heard them.  But they are both fun songs that are extremely catchy.  I think more things should be blamed on my ADD.

3.  Hats off to the Bull – Chevelle:  After their first album, Chevelle has always flown just under the radar in my opinion.  I really liked their first album and I have definitely gotten my money’s worth for it.  But the songs I heard from the next albums never inspired me to purchase their subsequent albums; they were good, but once again their radio play was sufficient for me.  But ‘Hats off to theBull’ and ‘Face to the Floor’ are definitely cut from the same cloth as ‘Closure’ and ‘Send the Pain Below’.

2.  Some Nights – fun.:  I was a fan of The Format and was more than a little disappointed when I heard that they broke up.  So when I heard that the lead singer was wasting no time to form a new band, I was cautiously hopeful. I heard the occasional rumblings regarding the band, but I am sorry to say their debut album was not one of the five albums I purchased in 2009.  But then 2012 came along and unless you have been living under a rock (which I haven’t), you cannot miss fun. and ‘We AreYoung’.

No Name No Color – Middle Class Rut:  I tried to limit my selections to 2011 and 2012 albums but this album was somehow overlooked in the past and there is really no good excuse for that.  I really like this band.  I have no idea how I managed to not purchase it prior to this year, but I did.  I have yet to hear a song of theirs that I do not like.  I’m really going to miss not having this album for the next year or two (hopefully not three).

Until next we meet.