My Apocalyptic Camping Trip…or The Day the World Didn’t End - Part III

Part III – Are You Really Still Reading This

I woke up the next morning as the night sky began to lighten and I sprung out of my sleeping bag and out of my tent. I wanted to get up on the finger ridge behind us before the sun did so I could watch the very last sunrise ever. I made it to the top just in time for the few clouds over the Whetstone Mountains to start changing color.

There weren’t many clouds in the sky, but they were all in the right spot to give a show that did not disappoint. I have seen better sunrises, but I couldn’t complain since I might not see another one. The sun actually popped up a little further south along the horizon. As the sun arched over the Biscuit Mountain and the rest of the Mustangs, I thought it fitting that it would accent such a prominent image of my childhood. Memories of my childhood came rushing through my head as if a dam had been breached somewhere in a place I forgot existed.

I was content.

I have had a pretty great life up to this point and if God was going to tell me my time was up today, I was alright with that. Good times, bad times, mistakes and triumphs, I was satisfied that I had made the most of the life I had been given. I was ready to sit in my chair, in front of the fire and watch the end of the world in all its grandeur.

 But first breakfast. I had decided that after I fed the pups I would cook me up some corned beef and hash—not a bad potential last meal if I do say so myself. Up until that point the cans that I had to open for the dog food and dinner the night before were all the fancy pull top lids, but that was not going to be the case for my Albertson’s brand corned beef and hash. So I dug through my camp box for my can opener . . . Nothing. Okay, well then I will dig through my backpack for my little emergency can opener . . . Not there.

Really?!

I had a lot of paper weights.

I stood there looking at all the cans I brought that did not have the new fancy pull lids and thought to myself, ‘how am I supposed to survive this brave new post-apocalyptic world if I can’t even remember to bring a can operner?’ Oh well at least my dogs won’t starve as long as they can find someone else to open their cans when I do.

Then I remembered my great-grandfather’s multi-tool that I had been given years back (I think it was in my original end of the world kit). I had already gotten it out because I had been made painfully aware that I had also forgotten to pack a spoon – I’m batting a thousand on this trip! So I pulled it out and, sure enough, it had one of those old school hook-shaped can openers on it that they would show on old Tom & Jerry cartoons. Watching those cartoons was the only reason I knew what it was or how it works. I tried it out and after a while perfecting the technique, the can was no match for me.

Don't let your parents tell you cartoons
only rot your brains, kids

 With breakfast out of the way and still no sign of the apocalypse, I spent the morning fixing the holes Gehenna put in my tent the night before. Not exactly how I envisioned spending my last morning, but if I was going to play out my Mad Max visions, my tent would have to make it long enough for me to perfect my pithouse. That’s right, I am bringing back the Hohokam pithouse as my habitation of choice at least for the first decade or so of my stint beyond Thunderdome. I figure after the 20 or so I have excavated I could probably perfect the process by the second or third attempt.

Nothing says 'Post-apocalyptic warrior' like living in a mud hut.

After fixing the mosquito netting of my tent and grabbing a quick bite of Campbell’s Soup for lunch I decided it was a good time to turn on the radio to hear about the chaos that was sure to be ensuing in the big city at that very moment. The first song I heard was Ænema by Tool . . . Clearly a sign. But lo, that was not the case. The DJs on every station I turned to were going on like it was just another day despite the epic battle that was going on all around them. A likely story. I wasn’t going to be fooled by their mass media conspiracy to mislead the public.

I turned off the radio and went over to finish the last bit of my can of soda. As the last bit of liquid hit my tongue I noticed a fuzzy object mixed in with the expected and instantly spit it all out. I knew exactly what it was. Just as I expected, in the area where the liquid landed was a stunned little bee trying to process what had just happened. Man, that would have been a rough way to spend my last few hours.

They Mayans sent you, didn't they?!

All the excitement, I was ready to spend the afternoon in my chair writing what could be my last musings. I guess it had better be good. As I sat into my chair I noticed a spider crawling where I was about to sit. It reminded me of a scene from Seeking a Friend for the End of the World where Steve Carell has just found out that there are only two weeks left until an asteroid will strike the earth and kill us all. He turns on the light in his bathroom and sees a spider in the sink. His first reaction is to grab something to smash it but hesitates in mid-swing. After a brief pause he turned the light back off and let the spider live out its last few days. He goes to sleep and the next scene starts with him driving into work with several presumed spider bites up his face. ‘Well Mr. Spider, I never intended on killing you,’ I thought as I scooted him off the chair. ‘I would appreciate it if I did not wake up with bites all over my face.

Oddly enough they are all better the next day?

The afternoon and evening passed uneventfully as I enjoyed some spam (with reduced sodium – gotta think heart healthy you know) and corn for dinner. Still no sign the world was about to end. As I settled into my chair in front of the fire, I looked up at the moon. It was bright and had one of those rings around it—really beautiful. But high clouds were moving in and blocking all the other heavenly bodies, save Venus. ‘Not going to be much of a show tonight. I should really stay up until midnight though – don’t want to miss the action!’

High clouds, nothing! This is the work of the Mayans!

Once again, I did not make it to 9pm.

But I woke up in the middle of the night again to relieve some bladder pressure and this time I made a concerted effort to check the time. 3am. Well Looks like I survived the Mayan onslaught. Tomorrow I will begin my effort to bring civilization back to the world – but until then I could use a couple more hours of sleep.

No apocalypse, Tommy Boy need sleepy.

The next morning I went on a nice long hike with my pups, ate some breakfast and started a small fire with nothing out of the ordinary happening. By noon I had mused a bit more and decided it was a good time to check the radio again. Sure enough, everyone was going on like the world hadn’t ended yesterday.

I decided I was not going to take the word of the lying media, but the distant sound of a chainsaw and ATV’s indicated that people were going back to their regularly scheduled program. I had to investigate first hand to see the Mayan atrocities. So I cleaned up my camp site (always leave your camp cleaner than when you got there kids!) and headed out.

On the way back I had to go through the Border Patrol checkpoint . . . it was still there?!  Wouldn’t you know it; everything else was as it had always been too as I made my trek back to my house. Those darn Mayans lied to me! See if I ever trust a Mayan again . . . maybe I shouldn’t have cashed out my 401k.

Until next we meet.

My Apocalyptic Camping Trip…or The Day the World Didn’t End - Part II

The Adventure Begins

Work slowed down so I ended up taking the 20^th off too. The plan was to leave straight after work so I could get to my spot well before the apocalypse—you know, just in case the Mayans were on Easter Standard Time. But now I could leave even earlier in case they were originally from Australia. Then I thought that was silly since all of my detailed research of the Mayans—on the internet—did not once mention their affinity of Vegemite. 

Come on Mayans, be specific!

So I thought it would be alright to stick around a little while longer to make sure I had everything and take care of some last minute items—like cashing in my checking and savings accounts and buying up some gold.  I still made it out around mid-day because I figured daylight savings always throws me off since we don’t have it in Arizona, so it had to wreak havoc on the Mayans. 

Did your apocalypse remember to fall back?!

My dogs were all settled in the back seat of my Jetta because it will be lonely when I am the last person alive and they would be a lot better than a volley ball. Kvasir still gets kind of nervous with car rides, but he will thank me when it is all said and done.

No Wilson, we're still good.

I made it to my spot in good time. A friend turned me on to the spot a couple years back and I thought it would be the perfect place to make my last stand. It is an amazing spot with huge oak trees and not a soul for miles.  I guess I ran the risk that I would have stumbled upon that friend camping there when I arrived but there were several other locations I noted on the same road that I think I would have enjoyed checking out too.

Fortunately it did not come down to that and my spot was vacant. There were still patches of snow in places from the last storm! It was going to be a great trip. I opened my 12-pack of soda and placed them in the snow.

Nature's cooler!

Then I set up my chair, tent, sleeping bag and a few other necessities and went to collect some firewood for the night. The previous tenant left some wood when they left so I didn’t have to work too hard at it.  I thought about paying the favor forward, but I would be the last camper at that site. So I fixed up the fire pit and piled on the kindling and such so that all I had to do was light it. Then I snapped a photo:

Home, sweet apocalyptic home!

It was a clear, cool and quiet night. I got the fire going real nice and added a bit of rum to my soda and life was perfect. After feeding the pups I heated up some Dinty Moore in the can and settled in for a nice night of star gazing.

I thought it would be appropriate to stay up until midnight. I mean, was the end of the world going to start right at midnight? I didn’t want to miss out on any of the fire and brimstone show!

I don’t think I made it to 9pm.

I headed off to the tent to go to bed and called the pups. It was supposed to get to freezing in Tucson, so that meant low 20’s there, so I was going to let them sleep in the tent too. I opened the door and Kvasir went right in.  Then I looked inside and found that Gehenna was already inside. I assumed that he snuck in through the partially opened zipper and went to bed.

Well sometime in the middle of the night Gehenna decided that it was much warmer in front of my face. I’m not sure how much of that I endured before I woke up but I decided that was a good enough reason to get up and use the little boy’s room. The pups went out too—I remember thinking to myself how positively stunning the stars were at that moment—Well I finished checking on that man about a horse and darted back to the tent to get back in my warm sleeping bag.

This is a true fact.

I guess my eyes had properly adjusted to the night sky because it was at that time that I saw how Gehenna got in. Apparently he gnawed at the mospuito netting until he got a hole big enough to stick his nose through and forced the rest of his body through said hole . . . both dogs spent the rest of the night outside.

If I had thought, it would have been a perfect dog shaming

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to my tale! Did the end of the world happen? Was it on Eastern Standard Time? Did my dogs join Team Mayans after the snub? All these questions and more will be answered tomorrow!

Until next we meet

My Apocalyptic Camping Trip…or The Day the World Didn’t End

Part I – The Preface

12/21/12 – The end of the Mayan Long Count Calender. The last day before it starts all over again . . . or if you would rather, the end of the world!  Was it really going to be the end of the world?  I didn’t think so, but I also knew there would be a fair number of people out that would be a lot less rational.  I’m not going to lie, I was a bit nervous about what some of those people might do on that day.

At least the Facebook posts got a little more entertaining

.Explains a lot. I would have done the same

Then there are all the people that say, ‘Woo hoo! It is the end of the world, let’s party like there is no tomorrow!’  That was fun in 1999 when I had just turned 21.  But that was 13 years ago and the idea is less than appealing to the older, more sensible me.  The best outcome that scenario would give me was a miserable hangover on the 22^nd and I could think of much worse outcomes; especially if I happened to bump into a person that exhibited both previously mentioned qualities.

Been there. Done that.  I'll pass this go round.

So I decided to go camping to avoid the issue altogether.  I haven’t had the opportunity to go camping much this year and I have not had many opportunities to be alone with my thoughts either.  The idea of doing both was more than appealing.  But it was more than a camp trip.  I was going to be prepared to stay out there longer than my intended trip if I had to do so.  You know, in case individuals in that first group I mentioned decided to do something crazy.

See when I was a kid my dad had a backpack that had everything we would need to survive in the mountains ready at all times so that if things got real, so to speak, he could grab it and be gone in a moment’s notice. I am not sure of the exact reason why this was necessary but it probably had at least a little to do with the fact that he grew up in the aftermath of the height of the cold war when the threat of nuclear weapons was very real and the cities were where those devices were targeted.  So if you had any notification it was not going to be much, and the city was the last place you wanted to be.

Whatever the reasons, does not take away from the fact that it is always a good idea to have a contingency plan in case you can’t rely on the modern conveniences that our advances have afforded us.  There are a lot of things out there that can knock out the power grid for a couple days.  Do you have everything you would need to ride that out?

I understand that the power running out for a couple days might not warrant running out into the mountains and living like Bear Grylls, but what if it lasted for several weeks or months?  If you answered ‘no’ to my last question, imagine everyone else that did the same.  What if aid to all those people was unable to happen for one unfortunate reason or another? It might make since to get out of an urban setting and away from the potential mob mentality at that point.

It's all fake anyway.

When my dad had that backpack, I wanted to do everything that he did so I wanted one too.  My dad threw together a hatchet, a collapsible fishing pole, a backpacking stove and a first aid kit and put it into a little school backpack with a few other things for me. Realistically I probably would not have been able to last a day with it on my own, but I was happy.  I ended up taking it out with me a few times in high school where it affectionately became known as my ‘end of the world kit’.

But as I finished college and got into the professional world, I had always intended to make a more functional pack.  And that grew into a desire to have extra food, water, and other supplies around the house as a means of just being a little more prepared for the unexpected; especially after I started volunteering for the Red Cross. I was slowly working toward that goal but still wasn’t where I had hoped to be.  So I looked at this camp trip as an opportunity set a deadline to get to the point of basic preparedness that I had always intended.

And it was exciting. Not because I was preparing for the end of the world, but because I was achieving a goal I seemed to have always had. That excitement bled over into thoughts of actually having the opportunity to use it all.  I found myself thinking, ‘well if the apocalypse does happen I could use such and such to do this’ or ‘if the end of the world does happen I would have enough supplies to last so long.’  I found myself planning out how I would survive the apocalypse for as long as the earth let me not because I thought it would happen, but because I was finally prepared for an unexpected emergency; at least as much as I could foresee happening.

I mean who could have predicted that there would be no more Twinkies?!

 Because of this excitement, I found myself doing and saying things in a tongue-in-cheek manner as if I were waiting for the Mayans to come and end it all.  I decided to write about my camping experience in the same manner because it was funny—at least to me it was.

So tune in tomorrow to see if I even made it out the door or if the Mayans were waiting at my house for a surprise sneak attack!

Until next we meet.

Please Give Me Today

Wow.  Could I ask a favor to anyone reading this?  Whether you are a friend, family or a complete stranger, could I ask that should you ever wake up one day and have the uncontrollable urge to shoot a little kid, please shoot yourself in the face first? Yes, if I know you I will be saddened by this outcome.  But I will get over it a lot quicker than if you kill a little kid.

Forgive me, that was a little blunt. But I am more than a little pissed off about this whole thing.  And now I get to hear both sides dust off their same old arguments on how to solve this problem.  It is funny how the only answer is either more control on guns or less control on guns. I’m not going to pretend that I know what the answer is either, but I know it is not going to come from a knee-jerk reactionary social media status update.

Okay, maybe that was a little blunt too.  Forgive me, I just need time to process this and arguments on how to proceed after the Connecticut shootings just aren’t helping.

They were 6 and 7 . . . 6 and 7!

I keep picturing myself and everyone I have ever known when we were 6 and 7. I had barely begun to live.  Then I think of all the great things those same people have done since they were 6 and 7 and it breaks my heart that these 20 children won’t get that same chance.  On what planet is there a good enough reason to do that?

I know that actions need to be taken to keep this from happening again, but I don’t need to be drug into the same old argument about what those actions should be – not today. Today I need to remember those kids.  Today I need to pray for those kids, the teachers, and their families.  Today I need to pray for the children and teachers that are in my life.  I’ll sit through all your propaganda tomorrow; please just give me today.

Until next we meet.

12/13/12 Coincidentally Will Not Happen for Another 100 Years

To all of my friends that encouraged me to make the most of yesterday because it was 12/12/12, I appreciate your encouragement for me to make the most of my day.  I would just like to submit that everyone should make the most of today as well because 12/13/12 will, strangely enough, not occur for another 100 years too.

Until next we meet

26.2

Just a little more than 7 years ago to the day I ran my first marathon.

Looking at that last sentence, I make it sound like I have run oodles and oodles of marathons – I have only run two.  But that is enough for me.  I guess the jury is still out if I will run any more . . . heck, the jury has yet to conclude on whether or not my knee will even let me.

But today I had two friends running the half marathon and one friend running the full marathon here in Tucson and I decided that was a great reason to go out and cheer the runners as they trudged through the seemingly endless race.  Having been in their shoes, I know how awesome it was to hear friends, family and especially complete strangers cheering me on.

I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of those friends.  Don’t get me wrong, I was not jealous of the grueling and strict training schedule that they had to stick to and I was not jealous of all the times they had to pass on a night out with friends because they had to run 6, or 16 miles the next day.  I most certainly was not jealous of the three to four hours of their Saturdays that had to be devoted to running.  Heck I was not even jealous of the 26 or 13 miles they had run prior.

But I was envious of that culminating moment at the end of the race, after four months of training and close to four hours of straight running; that moment when you cross the finish line and you realize that you did it!

So much determination on that young face.

It was an incredibly emotional, almost spiritual, experience. As you near the end of your first marathon you don’t notice anything except for the finish line.  I know I had friends and family cheering me on and I am sure that there were others cheering as I finished – I didn’t see them.  I could not hear anything. I could not feel anything. The only thing I could focus on was the end of the race.

Then I crossed the line and a sea of sounds and images flooded my senses. My mom had been late to the race and feared that she had missed my finish but happened to get to the finish line just seconds before I did. In a sea of strange faces looking for someone other than me, my mom’s familiar figure seemed to pop out from the crowd and I gravitated toward her and collapsed in her arms.

After miles and miles of forcing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other, I didn’t have to do it any more!  As sounds, sights and smells continued to bombard my senses, the knowledge that I was finished was the best feeling in the world. I found myself overwhelmed and crying in my mom’s embrace.

 That is easily one of my top 5 favorite moments to date.

And I will never get to experience my first marathon again.  Don’t get me wrong, my second marathon was an amazing experience as well . . . but it wasn’t the same.  I knew what to expect and I was more prepared.  It wasn’t new.

Although I definitely enjoyed the actual race a lot more

Despite my melancholy, I was so happy that I got to share this moment with my friends and I hope that their first ½ and full marathons respectively were as great an experience as my first marathon was for me.  You all did outstanding!

Until next we meet.